( Published by Sussex University Department in “Pandora’s box” for Sussex writers.)
A humorous gentleman who was fond of playing practical jokes to amuse his friends had for companion an intelligent dog which he taught the trick of standing on two legs.
One day the gentleman and the dog took a journey by bus, each one occupying a seat. The bus soon became crowded with people going home from work and the gentleman, noticing a tired lady standing beside him, promptly rose and said “madam, would you care to sit on my seat.”
The lady thanked him graciously, saying “my feet are killing me - I cannot stand on my two legs.” The gentleman, being as responsive to other people’s jokes as he was to his own, smiled at this witty and original remark, and stored it in his memory. The lady sat down beside the dog, patted his head, called him Coochie-Woochie and said “You’re a nice boy, aren’t you – aren’t you lovely then.” The dog enjoyed the conversation and marvelled at the fact that while he himself could stand on two legs the nice lady could not.
By chance, the next day the gentleman and the dog did the same journey on the same bus at the same time as before. The bus again became crowded. The same lady was standing nearby and the dog, being nudged by the gentleman to take notice, smelled her immediately. Anxious to repay her affection, and remembering that she could not stand on her two legs, the dog got down from his seat, stood on his own two legs while supporting himself by a rail, and said “Madam, would you care to sit on your bum.”
The lady was astonished that the dog should speak in such elegant terms. It occurred to her that the gentleman, who was still seated, might be playing a humorous trick with his voice, making as if it was the dog speaking. Moreover, she was annoyed that the speaker, whoever it was, had made a bald reference to a part of her person alas no longer in its demure, peach-pink, pinchable maidenhood. She herself would have used the more homely old-fashioned term “B.T.M.” a contraction of the word “Bottom”, omitting for the sake of visual decorum the two letters “O” and one of the lower case letters “T” in between. She therefore admonished the gentleman by removing his spectacles, filling her mouth with saliva, and spitting straight into his left eye.
He other passengers began to discuss this unusual incident between themselves.
Although they all knew the lady could not stand on her two legs, none of them ventured to
offer her a seat after seeing what happen to the gentleman who did. The lady was embarrassed to be talked about in this public manner, and got off the bus at the next stop, remarking at the same time that the gentleman’s parents had not be properly married.
In the excitement the lady forgot that her feet were already killing her and as she got off she slipped and died. Some of the other passengers got off too, the better to view the incident. The humorous gentleman, feeling somewhat put out, kicked his dog vigorously and sternly told him always to stand on four legs, and never again on two. The dog was perplexed at this sudden change of life-style and, going up to the lady on the ground for a last affectionate look he split the difference and stood on three.
The bus then resumed its journey as the passengers and driver were keen to get home for Coronation Street.
MORAL : A dog, like any human being, can learn tricks. But true courtesy cometh with the heart beat and not with books on ‘Teach yourself Behaviour Patters’. An acute sense of smell is no substitute for a sense of human dignity.
AESOP was a Roman slave, who could neither read or write. The fables he recited to other slave would eventually be collected and published as children’s reading in the 19th century.
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